Betrayed

I moved to a new state and I met a guy on Tinder. He was quirky and silly and incredibly intelligent. We started talking and decided to meet for coffee. It wasn’t long before we spent most of our time together- hiking, drinking, reading volumes of poetry and philosophy, making our own artwork and staying up into the middle of the night playing scrabble. He was kind and funny and we had an incredible amount in common. Too much… As time went on, his personality seemed to shift. He began distancing himself. And then one night I woke up with this hands around my throat and a pillow over my head. Rape ensued. 
The following morning we went to breakfast. I wondered for a short minute if the assault had even happened, until the waitress pointed out what she thought was a hickey on my neck. It was the bruise mark left by his thumb. The situation felt wrong, but it was disjointed by the smiling face of a man eating pancakes across the table from me. I never saw him again after that, but for months I couldn’t focus, I stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep and I was nervous all the time. I started wondering if I had actually said no. If I subconsciously wanted it. If I was too drunk when I went to bed. If anyone would believe me. If I believed myself. The line of consent was blurred because he was someone I had trusted, someone I had cared about and someone that I thought had cared about me. Even now, my greatest source of anger is towards myself. That I should have been stronger or smarter to anticipate the situation. I knew the statistics, but overnight I had become one. And I still feel an overwhelming sense of loss that I let myself down.

Talking about consent must be a priority for everyone, regardless of your relationship status.
For those that have been hurt, get help. Tell a trusted friend. Seek psychological counseling. I failed my first semester of graduate school because I was lost. The people you love can help guide you home. 
For those of you that are listening: Try your best to listen to understand, not to answer and especially not to judge or blame. If someone shares a story of violated consent, don’t brush it off. Take is seriously. And if you don’t know what to say ask them if they need mental or healthcare assistance and help them get access, or be there in silent solidarity and support. At times like this, individuals may fear for their safety or that their assaulter may find them. Offering them protective space may help. 
To Those of you that will enter into a relationship with someone who has been sexually traumatized: be patient. Let the speed of the relationship be dictated by that individual. Ask for permission for everything and don’t assume consent just because you are dating. Earn their trust and keep it. Know that we are learning- how to love ourselves, how to love our bodies, and how to rediscover pleasure in something that has brought us so much pain. We thank you.